Last Updated: September 20, 2020 theres no reason your parents need to tell you about their past relationships. youre a child. Perhaps that is illusion, too, but I cannot honestly say I felt the uncertainty that children feel when their parent is weak, distracted or vulnerable. Being willing to listen to what they have to say can help to improve your relationship and the flow of your communication. It depends, really, on what the secret is, and who your family is, too. All families have secrets and I think most families have secrets that come out. The worst was finding out my mom had been unfaithful to my dad many times over the years. When talking about how much we looked alike, Kelly said, “Well, we’re technically sisters.” He was diagnosed at 14 (I do remember him having some medical tests back then, but I didn't really bother with what was up much further than "I'm not going to be donor if I'm a match"). You can sign in to vote the answer. Source: Collected Poems 1928-1985 (Faber and Faber, Ltd., 1985) In these situations, children keep secrets from parents, and parents keep secrets from children and from one another. or which ever one you feel most comfortable around. So, keeping a secret can be noble. Your parents are not keeping everything a secret from you. Keeping a relationship low-key is one thing, but keeping it a secret from friends, family and literally everyone important in my life is another thing entirely. This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC. If your partner’s parents or other people in their life have strong opinions about who they should be with, they may want to keep the relationship a secret, particularly if you don’t fit that mold. Keeping secrets within a family can create a … Thanks to all authors for creating a page that has been read 7,153 times. Quit being into all the drama. “It’s about my sister but when she was a baby my mother tried to give her away … Let your parents know that you understand their position and that you want to help them. In online surveys about themselves, their relationships, and their secrets, a majority of participants (60%) admitted to keeping at least one secret from their partners at … I was playing dolls with my cousins Kelly and Shannon — Aunt Molly’s daughters. Keeping a secret often becomes less about protecting people and more about becoming overly preoccupied with the "thing" or maintaining the double, secret life. Still have questions? He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011. If they thought you should know they would tell you.. they are your parents, and they could be keeping this a secret for a reason. If you discover a secret your child has been keeping from you, the … You’re parents just want the best for you. ? If you back down, you wont get the truth. Paul Chernyak is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Chicago. For example, one of your parents may have fallen down the stairs and kept this from you because they are worried you will begin to look at them as frail. Instead, it is a fun birthday surprise! I think I have trauma cause by my in-laws? If your parents give you feedback that they kept something from you because they were worried about how you might react, try to be receptive to this constructive criticism. It took me a few years to get over it, but now I realize that my childhood memories were all well and good. Keeping a secret like this is not dishonoring her in any way. To adult survivors, don’t let the fuckers who stole your joy keep stealing it … You can also have someone else who they trust talk with them about this issue, such as a family friend, cousin, or spiritual leader. Alternatively, one of your parents may inform you that they are having an affair and ask you to keep this from your other parent. As you take some time away from the situation, you can also call a trusted friend to get some perspective and find out if you are reacting in a reasonable way. This seems patently unfair, for while everyone who knows me well can sense something is wrong in my life, my mother’s secret life never impinged on me until I discovered her manuscript. For example, your parents may confide in you that they are getting a divorce, but ask you not to tell your siblings because they are still young and it might be too hard for them. Coping with Discovering a Secret Don't take it personally. I'm sure they knew at some point that you would be old enough to find this out. I have no emotional connection with my mother. We use cookies to make wikiHow great. My parents dont know I know. If you’re under 18 you should do your best to listen to what they tell you do and just pray that when you turn 18 you can move out. Why did this relative of mine freak out about this? % of people told us that this article helped them. However, at 5 years old, I learned it was a taboo subject. Then today their marriage certificate was on the counter because my brother had to get a passport, so I took a peek at it. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in 2011. Please help us continue to provide you with our trusted how-to guides and videos for free by whitelisting wikiHow on your ad blocker. Someone will inevitably find out, which will make everyone else in the family angry and … Respect your parents wishes for now. Ok I understand if you’re under 18. Quite a while ago (in elementary school), I was looking through our file cabinet, and I saw a section labeled "Divorce". If you discover that your parents have been keeping a secret from you, try not to take it personally and come up with strategies to move on in your relationship. If you find out (either from your parents or … It takes over as an "unhealthy obsession" for our own secrets and those we keep for others [source: Jaffe ]. Some secrets are generations old; others newly created. You may need to find a formal way to do this, such as by writing them a letter expressing your forgiveness. In this type of family, once secrecy becomes the norm, there is no end to the ways in which information is blocked from flowing. That’s why we polled 198 men to bring you nine reasons guys like to keep their relationships secret. So if you can, just try and let it be for now. By signing up you are agreeing to receive emails according to our privacy policy. And then reality hit. Do you really think it's your Business? Think back on previous times when your parents have confided in you and ask yourself: “Did I keep the secret?” “Was I judgmental about things they told me?”, For example, you could say "Dad, let me know the next time you are feeling pain in your knee that way I can help you with some tasks around the house.". And maybe your parents love each other even more because they've both been in marriages that didn't work out. So, in the end, this wont seem like such a big deal, even though right now it does. How do you think about the answers? you didnt mention if they are happy with each other now. My recommendation: if you like the boat you are in, don't sink it. I'm sure at some point in the future they will be more willing to discuss this with you. Keeping secrets can affect an individual’s relationship to his or her self and other people in several harmful ways: 1. This article has been viewed 7,153 times. my parents play the emotional mind game. In order to deal with your parents keeping secrets, you should have an open and honest conversation with your parents about secrets. My parents kept me from children who were rough. My parents did get divorced (when i was 12) and through the years I ended up finding out allot of secrets about my family. How should I act? I was never clear about that. This information would be hard for you to process and it would be a huge burden to keep that information a secret. Talk about what type of information needs to be shared as they age. You are 15 and you have a right to know what happened and why they kept it from you and your brother. The kids decided to keep their pet bird a secret from Mom and Dad! This article was co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC. For example, if one of your parents has a serious illness they may keep it from you for a while until they know more details. Box 3071St. Trump is trying to get around Twitter's ban, Woman dubbed 'SoHo Karen' snaps at morning TV host, Official: Trump went 'ballistic' after being tossed off Twitter, NFL owner's odd declaration alters job openings rankings, 'Punky Brewster': New cast pic, Peacock premiere date, Relative of woman trampled at Capitol blames Trump, Fallout for CEO's alleged Capitol entry during riots, Student loan payments pause will continue: Biden official, Unhappy soccer player's troll attempt backfires, Rush Limbaugh deactivates his Twitter account, FBI looking for man in Senate with zip ties, tactical gear. My entire childhood consisted of this nightly succession of muffled marshmallows and melodies coming from the invisible bus stop in the basement. But unfortunately, not all families are the right place to start that healing. Almost Abandoned. When we start to hit barriers, like, ‘I don’t want you to tell my child,’ I just keep asking questions and try to explore those hesitations.” Let Parents Be the Protectors Asking questions can reveal a family’s motivations for keeping the truth from a child, Diekema says. if they are, dont worry about it. BF tells me his parents are the type to prefer that he dates a Mexican woman, or at least someone who is Hispanic or Latina. Our parents have experience and they want the best for our life. I want to take the power away from my abusers and the only power they have over me is my silence and shame. I asked my parents about it because I hadn't known anything about any previous marriages. Keeping it a secret can keep some of the stress off of them, but it could also negatively affect your … Im 23 and my parents are still controlling me. The reason for keeping me like a mushroom was because my parents thought I'd use it against him. But secrets kept for the wrong reason earn a person the title of “wicked,” for “a wicked man accepts a bribe in secret to pervert the course of justice” (Proverbs 17:23), and “whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence” (Psalm 101:5). For example, it is okay to not tell your mom about her surprise birthday party or the gift you bought for her. Join Yahoo Answers and get 100 points today. In order to do this, I need to know if you need extra help. Sometimes we just have to be courageous and tell them if we have an important secret, because you can not live all the time acting like nothing is happening, You probably see them frequently. Trust me, if you knew everything your parents knew, you would be overwhelmed and probably anxious. The most difficult part was that it somehow felt like my childhood was not what I thought it had been, that it was somehow tainted by these secrets that I didn't know at the time. Going to family counseling can also be a helpful way to strengthen your relationships with your parents and improve your communication with them. We know ads can be annoying, but they’re what allow us to make all of wikiHow available for free. But they made up a really lame excuse and denied that it was real. At some point, you will be able to talk to your parents about this, but I wouldn't rush it. A girl starts to wonder when her boyfriend wants to keep their relationship a secret. Parents buy me nice things then make me feel guilty about it... why? However, the fact that he is keeping me a secret leads me to believe that his parents are very racist or perhaps threatened disowning him if they knew about me. What happened happened, and its all in the past now. If you like your life as it is .. why not let it be. or which ever one you feel most comfortable around. And you should maybe do it with your brother there too because he deserves to know too...you dont want him to be in the dark like you were. Hope my mom and I hope my dad Will figure out why they get so mad Hear them scream, I hear them fight Say bad words that make me want to cry … wikiHow is where trusted research and expert knowledge come together. Keeping it secret suggests you are ashamed of your choice. Keeping secrets can sometimes be okay. When Melanie Young was first diagnosed with cancer, she decided to keep her diagnosis a secret from her work colleagues. Even if you never give them this letter, it can be therapeutic for you to write it. if they want to tell you when youre older, they will. All have the ability to tear the fabric of the … 2. If you react to the secret immediately, you may actually make the situation worse. you should maybe ask your mom. Tell me about that…” Remember that your ultimate objective is to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you, not to shame your child or make her feel she has to hide things from you. :(. Trust is severely compromised when family members learn that a secret has been hidden from them (especially one that is compounded by a lie). Literally. you should maybe ask your mom. If you really can’t stand to see another ad again, then please consider supporting our work with a contribution to wikiHow. They are likely doing this to protect you, or because they are still processing the news themselves. Sure enough, there was one previous marriage listed for both of them! ask them about their past relationships. "Disclose it early in a relationship and don't make excuses. You could say "I understand that you want to stay in your own home as long as possible. Keeping certain secrets from parents can be adventitious while others can be more damaging. For example, your parents may start sharing new types of information with you, or they may keep secrets in an attempt to protect you. Since children do not begin to individuate from their parents during the early stages of … Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Be honest—and expect honesty in return. There are 12 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. Your relationship with your parents will likely change as you reach adulthood. {"smallUrl":"https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/f\/fa\/Deal-with-Your-Parents-Keeping-Secrets-As-an-Adult-Step-1.jpg\/v4-460px-Deal-with-Your-Parents-Keeping-Secrets-As-an-Adult-Step-1.jpg","bigUrl":"\/images\/thumb\/f\/fa\/Deal-with-Your-Parents-Keeping-Secrets-As-an-Adult-Step-1.jpg\/aid8484797-v4-728px-Deal-with-Your-Parents-Keeping-Secrets-As-an-Adult-Step-1.jpg","smallWidth":460,"smallHeight":345,"bigWidth":728,"bigHeight":546,"licensing":"